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S D X E, 19/f, Melbourne
'got a light? see? careful. I'm everything you ever dreamed'

  • “We don’t always feel joy in God but by faith we can tell ourselves that he is our joy. When we find ourselves tempted to sinful behaviour or when we find our emotions are getting the better of us we need to speak the truth to ourselves. GOD IS ALL I NEED, say it out loud.”

    also.....

    COLDPLAY IN NOVEMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! phwee i am so excited, liz enoch sam and i got pretty good seats. CHRIS MARTIN HERE I COME

  • (via herbonestructure on instagram)

    "I still blog. The desire to speak to whoever would listen was not a new development in my personality, and it didn't leave when the sadness did. I write for you, readers. But, when I really sit down and ask myself 'who is it that I'm speaking to' - it will always be him. His absence became a kind of mold that I crawled inside and it defined me for almost a year. And, like any mold, the form still holds the shape when it's removed.

    Lately I've been feeling disconnected and restless with blogging. I find less and less that I have something to put here. It occurred to me today that perhaps there's nothing left to say to the person I've been writing to all this time. Maybe I'm finally okay with the silence between us." - samantha shorey

  • rach yong's 21st

    my very first 21st! it was fun and i am very tired because i got home at 2.30am that night and last night i slept at 2 and i woke up at 8.15 this morning and my brain feels so dead so i am not going to go into the details but on the way home my car ran over a nail on the freeway and so we pulled over, realised it was flat and so called racv. then we realised we had a spare in the boot so we called for them to come and change it but then got impatient seeing as it was 1 in the morning so we youtubed "how to change a tyre" and thus learnt a valuable life lesson i.e. how to change a tyre

    by the time the racv dude arrived we had 80% of it done #success

    sigh sometimes i don't understand myself it is like impossible for me to be concise, so much for "not going into the details"

     

  • all this while i have been putting off dealing with the feelings, or rather, allowing God to deal with the feelings because i have been afraid of feeling pathetic. feeling the way i did with _. i have been so afraid of being the weak, vulnerable one still holding on, still struggling to let go. i have been afraid of being small. and i have been trying to be big, to be in control, to stay “on top of things”, to be strong. 

    and today i realised that in His presence i am so small. i am so weak, i am so vulnerable. and it is okay. it is okay to “bring everything to him, even if it makes me feel vulnerable or pathetic” in the wise words of kimanhdo. 

    i have been trying so hard to be strong and put together, scared of dealing with the inner struggles because they mean exposing what lies beneath and that hurts. being exposed hurts, dealing with the fact that it did not mean as much to him as it did to me hurts. and it feels frighteningly vulnerable. it feels like it means i will cry sometimes about it. but i have a God, a father, who is so strong even in my weakness. and in my weakness and vulnerabilities he does not take advantage of them, or mock me for being “weak”. but he takes me on his back and he says i know this hurts but i am making you stronger. first you have to let me. 

    he says in my presence it is okay to be vulnerable, or pathetic, or a loser. because i use losers, and in your weakness i am made strong. 

    therefore i will be okay. for real this time, not because i am resilient or have it all together. but because i have my God who loves me enough to work through my weaknesses and messy spots. 

    it might hurt, dealing with things but i have come so far in the past 10 months. i have learnt so much. my hope, my identity, what i invest my life in have to be found in more than a relationship, more than just in the things of this life and this world. 

    eternity.

  • i am adding this to my list of favourite poems

    "What are we now but voices
    who promise each other a life
    neither one can deliver
    not for lack of wanting
    but wanting won’t make it so.
    We cling to a vine at the cliff’s edge.
    There are tigers above
    and below. Let us love
    one another and let go."

    - Tigers by Eliza Griswold

    (feel like it is necessary to add that i have so much love for this poem)

  • "happiness... can be elusive at times"

    let it go
    live your life and leave it
    then one day you’ll wake up and
    she’ll be home

    ~

    1. note to self: never cut your nails after you've removed your nail polish you will only cut them way too deep and have your fingertips sting everytime they touch something for the next few days -sadface-
    2. sitting here in my new maroon snood from target and my pjs i have an itch to pack up my room/sell all my unwanted clothes. last night i concluded that i: a) have a shopping problem and b) need a walk in wardrobe
    3. i feel like. over the course of the past few months i have been... hardened. to the point where i feel like i don't need anyone, i can rely on myself, which is dangerous because what i have within me is so limited. i never want to make myself vulnerable in the way i was ever again. i don't want anyone to be able to hurt me in that way again. and so i am careful, cautious but what i find is that it doesn't make me happier or more liberated. relying on myself, making sure i am closed up just makes me feel so restricted. 

    and this is a mountain i have to climb on my own

    quiet time time